justupahead...

Wed, 22 Jul 2009 05:41:20 GMT

http://suicidemedicine1.blogspot.com/

fresh. please come.

Wed, 14 May 2008 03:02:38 GMT

i would like a backrub. a really good, i am in love with you, backrub.

Fri, 21 Mar 2008 20:53:12 GMT

i can't say the things i want to say, but i suspect that i do everything wrong.

for now, i'll do the laundry. i don't usually do that wrong.

i smell like someone else.

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 23:03:04 GMT

it's the simple things, like tracy chapman's "fast car" and mr. roger's quotes and the sunshine on my face that make my life seem worth it.

i recommend you listen to my myspace profile and take a look through the quotes community (http://community.livejournal.com/quotes) until you find something that melts your heart, or stops you in your tracks, or lulls you into a peaceful moment. i promise you will. (a sleeping cat on your lap helps the mood too!) i would like everyone to feel how i feel right now. it's not happy, it's not sad. it's nice.

"It's not the honors and the prizes and the fancy outsides of life which ultimately nourish our souls. It's the knowing that we can be trusted, that we never have to fear the truth, that the bedrock of our very being is good stuff."

p.s.
i signed up to take the GRE's on april 5th.
i am applying to syracuse, maryland, and drexel for their MLS programs.
i am on day two of being an independent woman. so far so good.

Sat, 08 Mar 2008 04:37:40 GMT

Re-occurring themes of my life:

Being put on the backburner
Drinking on anti-biotics
Obsessing over a single band or limited genre then going back to Hanson
Neglecting the people I can count on
Getting cheated on
Becoming so depressed that I sit on the couch for hours because I literally cannot. move.
Falling apart

Wed, 05 Mar 2008 20:52:20 GMT

dude.
i am so. so. so. unhappy.
what gives?
where is my sunshine?
the ryan to my alicia?
the joe to my jax?
the butter to my toast?
my luck?
my head?

i deserve something. fuck.

Mon, 25 Feb 2008 20:26:22 GMT

iwantiwantiwantout.

Sat, 23 Feb 2008 21:43:22 GMT

i emailed two of my favorite professors to ask for recommendation letters. fingers crossed that they both say 'okay!' i feel like i just shoved my life into fast forward. i'm skipping the boring parts and getting right to the good stuff. sometimes i forget that i am ONLY twenty-two. not, oh my goodness, i am twenty-two! i've got time and room to push past some of the bullshit.

i will have a master's degree by the time i am twenty-four.
that can't be too bad!

Sat, 22 Sep 2007 03:21:19 GMT

annnnd
i got fired.

my fucking life never stops amazing me.

Mon, 20 Aug 2007 00:38:52 GMT

brandon cheated on me.
told me he wasn't in love with me anymore.
explained he thinks he wants to date her instead.

i have never believed that hearts have anything to do with emotions or pain, but yesterday it felt like my chest was an empty cavern. i mean it. i couldn't feel my heart there.

i am destroyed.
we are supposed to leave for L.A. tomorrow
we live together.

why?
i am so shot to pieces.

Fri, 08 Jun 2007 03:17:29 GMT

During depression the world disappears. Language itself. One has nothing to say. Nothing. No small talk, no anecdotes. Nothing can be risked on the board of talk. Because the inner voice is so urgent in its own discourse: How shall I live? How shall I manage the future? Why should I go on?

Fri, 18 May 2007 14:32:07 GMT

talking is good.
i will never be a writer.

Tue, 01 May 2007 16:32:17 GMT

i am sitting on the floor in the new apartment. free wireless! woo!

apparently we never set up the gas, so i called and now have an "appointment" on thursday. i.e. i have to be here from 8-12 for whenever they decide to come. we don't have the moving truck until saturday, so i have no bed or furniture to do this waiting around on. super awesome fun.

the house is too cute. i really do love it here, and ian seems to be adjusting nicely. i hate this inbetween nonsense, because when i am here i don't have much of the necesities that are at my apartment now (hair stuff, makeup, my shoes, etc.) i feel like a beast and i have to venture out to target.

our upstairs neighbors are a very old couple named susie and jerry. they are both somewhere around 4'10'' and they are adorable. they make me nervous though. how will loud sex go over? fights? food burning? (because that is bound to happen)

regardless, i am happy. anything is better than "wooooo!"-ville.

ok, i am freezing.
i forgot the space heater.
and i have a looooong list of things to buy at target.

Mon, 05 Mar 2007 18:46:09 GMT

stop whining.

things could be much worse and they are for a lot of people.
calm down, drink some ice water, read a book.
mostly, shutup.

(hey. i wish someone had said that to me. they probably should have.)

stupid.

Wed, 20 Dec 2006 02:41:45 GMT

note to self: when leaving work in hopes of having a productive night, don't take shots of crown.

Sun, 17 Dec 2006 15:34:04 GMT

i have a million things i want to say and no way of saying them.

Tue, 21 Nov 2006 19:34:46 GMT

leave me out with the waste.

my optimism is so shot.

my luck just wont improve. i need a lucky break. a break...it doesn't even need to be lucky. something, please. things never seem to stay good with me. to be honest i can't remember the last time things were good for more than a day. i know those days are supposed to get me through, but i never know when the next one is. the space between these good days keeps growing. maybe this is adulthood. i guess it probably is.

how fucking depressing.

Wed, 08 Nov 2006 04:10:36 GMT

i should be studying, but my brain cannot seem to focus.

my temper is so awful.
i hate it.

temper aside, this will be the last entry i post that will be for "non-friends", and, i am making a wise decision by deleting a friend or two. times change and so do people, not that anyone needs me to tell them that. truly i am tired of the judgement. and the masked or blatant hatred. i don't understand much other than that i have spent my whole life struggling to be happy. i don't want to struggle anymore. i don't want five people pointing fingers at me every time i mess something up. i opened myself up to that, i know. but, i am done with it.

one final rude action from an ex boyfriend at school the other day has pushed me to the limit. i have had it told to me more times than i can count: i am giving them what they want. some is most certainly deserved, but this far down the road, i do not believe it is. the more recent wounds i understand a little bit better, but, even those, they seem too harsh.

i am so far from perfect and i will be the first to admit it.
maybe that's what you need to hear?

anyways. goodbye, goodluck.

Fri, 03 Nov 2006 01:32:45 GMT

i don't recall writing that last entry.
shows you how sleep deprived, stressed, and ahfiwytiwehgeg i am.

i intended to write something...smart, uplifting, whatever...

Wed, 01 Nov 2006 16:05:22 GMT

i think i may have gotten 6 hours of sleep last night. my cat woke me up pretty much every hour. i am now wide awake and he is fast asleep on my bed. i feel as if this is training for kids someday. argh.

my birthday is in three days.
i want to travel. bad. i wish someone would buy me a trip.

Thu, 26 Oct 2006 21:57:12 GMT

uuuuuuuuugh.

Wed, 25 Oct 2006 13:56:21 GMT

i am up early because ian would not be quiet. i love that cat, but sleeping with him can be quite the task.

i am surprised by the way my life is going. it is both scary and amazing to think that i am finally headed down the path that i always wanted. boston is pretty much guaranteed. a few other things might be not going so well, (i.e. money, some schoolwork) but the future is looking so bright and shiny. i am not saying that i am letting myself screw around because i think it might happen, but it makes the hard days just a little bit easier. and lord knows the last week has been pretty hard and stressful. but, my optimism is at an ultimate high.

i sleep with my window open so that ian has something to do. most nights it is freezing. i keep my heater on 75 degrees, and my new favorite thing is rolling over from the side by the window to the side by the heater. the change in temperature is lovely and it makes my half awake mind so happy.

much love for the little things in life.

p.s.

Mon, 23 Oct 2006 04:01:20 GMT

i am going to write.
forever.
for always.

i said "peace be with you" today to someone, i can't recall who. peace be with me, peace be with you. peace be with me. fucking finally.

surreal.

Mon, 23 Oct 2006 03:54:35 GMT

how perplexing.
how predictable.
how ridiculous.

covert? i think not.

i am not surprised, to say the least.
i have found that not much surprises me these days actually. i gained someone i thought i hated. i lost someone i thought i loved.

i have been called so many things in my life, and, honestly, they stopped stinging. i'll take it. i have lived almost 21 years and at one point or another i am sure i have been all of them: pathetic, bitch, sneaky, liar, cunt, slut, sad, lovely. i can take it all because in one way or another i have been them all.

i am not surprised. that keeps popping into my head. i think the only thing that would surprise me these days would be a surprise birthday party, which i am pretty sure i would hate.

i don't feel bad for living my life. i spent a good 20 years or so feeling like i should. i don't. i don't go plowing through looking to hurt people, but it happens. i have certainly been knocked down myself. shit happens. it happens. life happens.

i am changing. and growing. and moving on to bigger and better things.
the time i needed has passed.
only i know me. no one else. i am sorry i ever let people dictate myself to myself.

believe it or not, i know i am ok. i know the path i am headed down is crooked, perhaps rocky, maybe even frightening, but it's the right one. and only i can determine that for myself. and i have. i will leave it at that.

no more "i know you". to that i say, you don't know shit.

HEY!

Wed, 04 Oct 2006 03:22:57 GMT

myspace is not the goddamn world.

stop pretending it is.